“Um, do you notice anything different?” my mom asked me incredulously.
At this point, my mom and dad are staring at me like I’m an idiot. It’s not like it was the first time I’d seen that look… nor was it the last.
It was Christmas Eve 1998 and I had just gotten home from my grandparents. My parents had told me that while my grandparents were away, my great-grandmother “needed company.” I pretty much spent the whole day eating ice cream and watching soap operas with my nutty great-grandmother, Hilda.
I wasn’t expecting it to be a “big Christmas” for me. My parents had told me that because of finances, they could only do once big present at a time and Andrew really needed his drum set. They had let me know that I would be getting my piano later, perhaps for my birthday or next Christmas. I was bummed but ok with that. I mean, I at least had an 88-key keyboard to practice on while Andrew only had one snare drum and a high-hat. When you have musicians as kids, it can get expensive!
So, when I came home that evening and walked into the living room and plopped my butt on the couch to watch a Christmas movie, I wasn’t looking for anything. Soon, my whole family is staring at me and I’m all like, “What!?”
Finally, my mom says, “I don’t know, maybe there’s a giant electric piano right in front of you!”
I looked to my left and there it was! Taking up the entire wall of the back of our living room. I had walked right past it when I came into the living room and still didn’t even notice it when I sat down. Why? Because I just wan’t expecting it. I wasn’t looking for it. And really… I’m bad with that kind of thing anyways. I totally missed a giant Yamaha Clavinova piano sitting right in front of me.
At first I was so shocked I didn’t even react. I just stared at it as it slowly sunk in. Holy crap, my parents tricked me! After a few moments of shock and confusion I ran over to and sat down to play. I was crying, my parents were laughing, it was amazing. That piano was a huge life changer for me. It has lived with me all over the country and has always been a source of joy and creative release for me.
The best part about that Christmas is that BOTH my brother and I were tricked! Little did I know that my brother was told the exact same thing, but in reverse. Mom and dad told him that I was getting a piano this year and that next year he’d get his drum set. On Christmas morning, they asked him to go grab something in the basement and BAM, there was a drum set waiting for him. Crying and excitement everywhere. I have NO idea how my parents were able to pull that off and by far, that was the biggest Christmas we ever had. My parents successfully tricked us and got us both what we wanted more than anything. They put tools in our hands that are still important to us 18 years later.
Today is my 30th birthday and I am very very happy to leave my 20’s behind. One of my favorite books “The Defining Decade” talks about how your 20’s is a time of forming your identity and being comfortable with it. One of my favorite quotes from the book is “Often the first thing we know about ourselves is not what we are—it’s what we aren’t….We have to shift from a negative identity, or a sense of what I’m not, to a positive one, or a sense of what I am. This takes courage.” This sums up the 20’s!
My 20’s were filled with times where I missed giant freaking pianos in the room. There are many times in life where there is a big giant freaking piano in the room and we miss it. Sometimes it’s because we’re not looking for it. Sometimes it because we’re expecting something entirely different. Sometimes we are just plain delusional. We are blinded by a variety of different things.
How do blind spots get there? We all have blind spots. Patterns we get ourselves into. Things that we do that make it hard to see truth. I know for me that most of the time I missed a giant piano in the room it was because of lack of confidence in who I am. My blind spot was almost always because of the way I saw myself. I’d make excuses for people and allow them to treat me in a way that was less than what I deserved. I’d believe their words even when their actions didn’t line up. I was hopeful and unrealistic… in other words, delusional. I allowed myself to be fooled.
I have done stupid things to satisfy my need to belong. While I can be so adventurous and confident in many areas of my life, there were still parts of my heart that had not grasped that same level confidence and comfort in being who I am. For me, this has always been most evident in my closest relationships. It’s just taken me entirely too long to just be cool with who I am and allow others to just take it or leave it. Some people have that in them from a young age and some people never figure it out.
Giant pianos are gonna happen. Its whether or not you choose to open your eyes and see it or not that matters. It all comes down to allowing yourself to believe a lie. Lies like “I’m not good enough” or “I will never be successful” or “I’m too much” etc. will lead you to miss the good and bad pianos both. We all know people that hide behind humor to mask their hurt. Or the tough person who is really covering for being a sensitive person. These people believe lies that they have to be that way… Because living a lie is often so much easier than facing the truth. Believing a lie about yourself will lead you to behaviors that you will deem perfectly acceptable that really aren’t, like escaping into alcohol or drug abuse. Facing the truth means digging into yourself and facing how you got to be the way you are. Facing why you need humor or alcohol or drugs or the “tough person” attitude or constant attention is not easy however, allowing yourself to believe a lie means you are missing some giant pianos in the room. Some of them are very good things you are missing out on and you can’t see it. And some of them are bad and can’t be dealt with until you acknowledge that they exist. Either way the lie is preventing you from really living.
As my 30th birthday approached, my eyes were opened and I found myself staring at a giant, broken, out of tune piano. Getting over being fooled is tough but this time, I know exactly who I am. I don’t fix pianos. I make music with them. My tunes are too good for a broken piano so I stopped playing it and moved on.
The people I want in my life know who they are and what they want out of life. They don’t misrepresent who they are or tell you what you want to hear. They speak the truth. They don’t change who they are from one day to the next. They aren’t afraid to look in the mirror to see what needs to change and do something about it. They don’t blame other people for their problems. They just are who they are, whoever that is. I am who I am and there is mutual respect for one another. Authentic. Genuine. This is how I’m living my life in this new decade and I am so excited to live out of this precedent. Let’s do this.
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